Relly Writes: Weighing Current Problems Versus Future Problems: A Confession

I've been tanning. Yes, I can hear you gasp in horror as you read. But I raise money for cancer! But I run my own cancer-related organization! But I've made my mark in this world by helping others fight this disease! I know. I can hear your shame and name-calling from across the great interwebs. But please allow me to explain...

As a young adult I occasionally tanned throughout the winter to keep my anxiety and SAD (seasonal affective disorder) to a minimum. When I got involved in the cancer community, I quit, and instead I suffered in silence. Then after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia I started symptom tracking. When it rains or is about to rain, I am 75% more likely to have a flare. When the temperature has a drastic change (especially getting colder) I am about 50% more likely to have a flare. When the weather is consistently grey, cloudy, and has high pressure systems (much of the winter and spring) I am prone to prolonged bouts of pain, exhaustion, and emotional symptoms.

So when I thought back to how I used to make it through the winter with tanning, I wondered if there was any evidence to support my theory, and so I started to research. There has been one small scientific study supporting the use of tanning to improve the symptoms of fibromyalgia, and then countless posts across support groups and message boards by others like me. With my previous experience, that was enough for me to want to test the theory.

The first day I climbed into a tanning bed I felt so terribly guilty that I almost didn't enjoy it. Almost. When I got out I felt like a million bucks. I was warm, my joints weren't aching as badly as before, and I felt happy. This is said to be because exposure to UV light releases endorphins in your system. Some people may argue that part of the cause of fibro pain is a vitamin D deficiency, which is why sunlight/tanning will seem to help, but I am on the maximum recommended dose of vitamin D already, and have been for months. You also don't actually get much vitamin D from tanning beds. Some others (like my dad) would say it's psychosomatic. However since that first day I have gone multiple times, in varying degrees of good days and bad, flares and minimal pain, good moods and rotten, and I always feel better after. If you still believe it's psychosomatic, fine, but it's working for me and I'm not about to give it up now.

But what about my philanthropy? How can I honestly fundraise for and support cancer fighting organizations while potentially increasing my risk for cancer? Because dealing with chronic illness on a daily basis is painful, emotionally exhausting, and just plain hard. I think people in the cancer community understand all of those feelings and more. In no way am I comparing fibromyalgia to cancer - I know I am not literally fighting for my life, and I am still "healthy" in terms of the prognosis for the longevity of my existence, but I am fighting to live my life. And I think the cancer community would understand the idea that when you find something that makes you feel well, makes you able to get through your days with some degree of happiness and minimal pain, something that isn't harming anybody else, that you do it. Maybe I'm totally off-base, maybe they'll resent me for it, but I couldn't do the work that I've been doing with my organization these past few weeks without it, so what's better really?

Right now I have been going 2-3 times per week for the last few weeks and I will stop when the rain tapers off and the weather gets warm here. I will reassess my symptoms in the fall and hold out as long as I can before and if I start going again. This is not a decision I take lightly. I know I am risking my future health to "improve" my current health. I don't know if it's right or wrong but I'm doing what I need to do right now to get me through the days.